First I got hot flashes, then chin hair, then mood swings – then this morning I woke up with these! What are they going to say at the Johns Hopkins now?
Oh God, was this the hairdresser’s idea?
Rosie’s picture – Margy’s caption. Time to get out of town.
that one old lady with the finger up.
She’s laughes, “We share everything. This week I get the false teeth! If Martha there can remember where she put them.”
Are these crazy old ladies or what? And what’s with the cigars?
Give me a caption or a dialogue and I’ll make you famous. Now if you believe that I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn I’d like to sell you. Or is it in Arizona? I can’t remember.
Give me a caption and I’ll give you fame! Well, sort of.
“For once, I’m glad I don’t have teeth”
“Yea, but don’t we have suction?”
“I can’t see what they’re looking at.”
“What were we talking about?”
Thanks for the above, Rosie!
I’ve seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be .. . . Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeea ze! I’ve had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck), you’ll probably relate.
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, “Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too.”
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we’re sitting on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: “For this I have stretch marks?”
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally — more red and blue lines than an accurately
scaled map of Wisconsin.
Mid-life means that you become more reflective . . You start pondering the “big” questions. What is life? Why am I here?
How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice?
But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins
double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for
the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we’ve acquired.
That’s my philosophy and I’m sticking to it!
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, What man here will buy a lady a drink?”
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down At theend of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the Counter and bellowed, “Give the ballerina a drink!”
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, “Give the ballerina another drink!”
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, “I say, old chap, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?’”
“As far as I’m concerned”, the drunk replied, “any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!”
SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared
office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with
patients.
As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was
a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
“YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE,
RIGHT?”
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at
the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, “NO, I’VE COME
TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”
DON’T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS !
I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in…
I’ve learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
‘ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
jackasses.
I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I’ve learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others -
they are more screwed up than you think.
I’ve learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I’ve learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I’ve learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you’re finished.
I’ve learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I’ve learned that ex’s are like fungus, and keep coming back.
I’ve learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I’ve learned that I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.
I’ve learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.
I’ve learned that 99% of the time when something isn’t working
in your house, one of your kids did it
I’ve learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and
all the less important ones just never go away.
And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
Yes, we old women are like those little yellow flowers on the lawn.
Think about it. When we first come up we are tall and stately. We have a wonderful bubble hairdo that flies in the wind to make others like us. A child will blow and make the ‘Tinderbell’ wishes come true.
Then we start to bloom and bring forth a bright yellow and lovely flower that dots the green, green grass. We drive the lawn keeper (aka usually a man) into spending hundreds of dollars to rid them selves of us (sounds like a divorce made in heaven to me). Then when THAT does not work, he comes in for the kill. He gets out a screwdriver. Well if he does it right, we’re happy to go. But most of the time, he leaves a piece undone and well….we come back stronger, with roots going down to China.
When even THAT fails, he gets out the (dum de dum dum) lawnmower. We hear it coming long before we see it. We just bend ever so gracefully under it and lay down until the sound is gone. Then we pop right back up in his ‘man-a-cured lawn. We drive him crazy! Or if we’re busy and don’t see the mower coming we get cut off at the knees.
But NEVER fear! We come back, shorter and with more blooms. There is NO stopping us !
So ladies, remember you are a DANDILION !! Stand tall, proud, and bend when you need to, then spring right back up and BLOOM BABY BLOOM !!!
