Archive for June, 2007
This Will Eventually Happen…
June 30, 2007The Wisdom of the Ages
June 30, 2007* An older woman can wear any hat she chooses and nobody will laugh. A younger woman wearing the same hat will always look like a lampshade in a brothel.
* An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, “What are you thinking?” An older woman doesn’t care what you think, if you think at all.
* An older woman always carries a purse full of emergency supplies. Young women go hungry and bleed to death every time there’s a natural disaster.
* An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.
* An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea.
* The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets… which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men.
* An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
* Older women can run faster because they’re always wearing sensible shoes.
* An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there’s no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent lover!
* Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you’re acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her. An older woman puts herself on a pedestal.
* An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know.
* Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can’t help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.
* An older woman will never accuse you of “using her.” She’s using you.
* Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call.
* Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.
* An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she’s with you, in case you get any ideas.
* Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.
* Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don’t wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.
* Older women know what Kegel exercises are.
* An older woman will agree to go to McDonald’s with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.
* Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.
* Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can’t get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.
* An older woman has lots of girlfriends and most of them will want to boff you too.
* An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.
* An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.
You Know You’re Getting Old When…
June 18, 2007>1. You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear “snap, crackle, pop” and you’re not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you’re on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long – to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt – doesn’t work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak – and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don’t feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don’t care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.
It happens to the best of us….
June 17, 2007
Ageing Bodies?
June 9, 2007A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!” and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate…..
The grandmother says, “Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, ;then I can display my hanging baskets.
My Generation
June 8, 2007Well, not quite yet. But, soon…
