• If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning.

• I wrote the story myself. It’s all about a girl who lost her reputation but never missed it.

• When I’m good, I’m very good. When I’m bad, I’m better.

• Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.

• It’s hard to be funny when you have to be clean.

• I’m a woman of very few words, but lots of action.

• I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

• It isn’t what I do, but how I do it. It isn’t what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it.

• I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.

• When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.

• Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.

• I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

• Why don’t you come on up and see me sometime — when I’ve got nothin’ on but the radio.

• Why don’t you come up sometime and see me? I’m home every evening. Come up. I’ll tell your fortune. Ah, you can be had.

• Life’s just a merry-go-round. Come on up. You might get a brass ring.

• She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.

• When women go wrong, men go right after them.

• There are no good girls gone wrong, just bad girls found out.

• Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

• Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

• It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

• Keep a diary, and someday it’ll keep you.

• To err is human, but it feels divine.

• Loves conquers all things except poverty and toothache.

• I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. Believe me, rich is better.

• Sex is emotion in motion.

• Virtue has its own reward, but no sale at the box office.

• Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often.

• I like my clothes to be tight enough to show I’m a woman, but loose enough to show I’m a lady.

• You’re never too old to become younger.

• I like restraint, if it doesn’t go too far.

• I’m the lady who works at Paramount all day… and Fox all night.

• I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

• A dame that knows the ropes isn’t likely to get tied up.

• I never loved another person the way I loved myself.

Are these crazy old ladies or what? And what’s with the cigars?

Give me a caption or a dialogue and I’ll make you famous. Now if you believe that I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn I’d like to sell you. Or is it in Arizona? I can’t remember.

Give me a caption and I’ll give you fame! Well, sort of.

Whippersnappers.

I’ll be posting funny stories, little things we can all relate to. Want to join? So, join already!!! Christ, what do you want, a red carpet??