THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. ‘THAT WAS MY PAGER,’ SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, ‘THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.’

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATH ROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID………WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT…I’M GETTING A FAX!!

Many of us over 50, WAY over 50, or on the way to 50 are quite
confused about how we should present ourselves. We’re unsure
about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we
are correct as we try to conform to current fashion.

In spite of what you may have seen on the streets, the following
combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedo’s and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist

11. Bikinis and liver spots.

12. Short shorts and varicose veins.

13. Inline skates and a walker..

And the ultimate ‘Bad Taste’ in fashion for the older folks…

14. Thongs and Depends.

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

• I believe in censorship. I made a fortune out of it.

• If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning.

• I wrote the story myself. It’s all about a girl who lost her reputation but never missed it.

• When I’m good, I’m very good. When I’m bad, I’m better.

• Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.

• It’s hard to be funny when you have to be clean.

• I’m a woman of very few words, but lots of action.

• I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

• It isn’t what I do, but how I do it. It isn’t what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it.

• I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.

• When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.

• Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.

• I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

• Why don’t you come on up and see me sometime — when I’ve got nothin’ on but the radio.

• Why don’t you come up sometime and see me? I’m home every evening. Come up. I’ll tell your fortune. Ah, you can be had.

• Life’s just a merry-go-round. Come on up. You might get a brass ring.

• She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.

• When women go wrong, men go right after them.

• There are no good girls gone wrong, just bad girls found out.

• Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

• Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

• It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

• Keep a diary, and someday it’ll keep you.

• To err is human, but it feels divine.

• Loves conquers all things except poverty and toothache.

• I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. Believe me, rich is better.

• Sex is emotion in motion.

• Virtue has its own reward, but no sale at the box office.

• Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often.

• I like my clothes to be tight enough to show I’m a woman, but loose enough to show I’m a lady.

• You’re never too old to become younger.

• I like restraint, if it doesn’t go too far.

• I’m the lady who works at Paramount all day… and Fox all night.

• I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

• A dame that knows the ropes isn’t likely to get tied up.

• I never loved another person the way I loved myself.

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.
9. You can live without sex (but not without glasses).
10. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbours don’t even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with the elevator music.
16. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

SENIOR HALLOWEEN...

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say: 'Great Boris Karloff Mask,' and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, 'Trick ;or...' and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...

1. You keep having to go home to pee.

When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

We had it all wrong. Dad cooked and rocked us to sleep. Mom went to work and came home later than dad did. My grandmother watched us when the folks were off making a living. Gosh, I had no idea. No wonder I’m the way I am.

Thanks, mom!!!!