Tampons, British Style

Do you use Tampons..be careful !

i’ll get this so help me.

Good God, Ethel!

Go Grannie!

Dangerous Foods

A dietician was addressing a large audience in Chicago and said many of the things we put in our stomach is enough to have killed most of us years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG or other poisons. Vegetables can be dangerous, and none of us think of the long-term effects of the germs in our drinking water.

In fact, he continued, there is one food that causes us the most grief and suffering for years.

He asked, “Is there anyone in the audience who knows what that may be?”

A 78-year-old geezer in the front row stood up and said, “Wedding Cake.”

Darwin Awards ~~

These people prove it is a terminal condition. As always, competition this year has been keen. The candidates this year are…

Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned when he
ran,” accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several
customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds.
Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman’s cable lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham’s leg and the tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham’s foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS…
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents.

This Will Eventually Happen…

The Wisdom of the Ages

* An older woman can wear any hat she chooses and nobody will laugh. A younger woman wearing the same hat will always look like a lampshade in a brothel.

* An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, “What are you thinking?” An older woman doesn’t care what you think, if you think at all.

* An older woman always carries a purse full of emergency supplies. Young women go hungry and bleed to death every time there’s a natural disaster.

* An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.

* An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea.

* The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets… which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men.

* An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

* Older women can run faster because they’re always wearing sensible shoes.

* An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there’s no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent lover!

* Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you’re acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her. An older woman puts herself on a pedestal.

* An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know.

* Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can’t help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.

* An older woman will never accuse you of “using her.” She’s using you.

* Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call.

* Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.

* An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she’s with you, in case you get any ideas.

* Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.

* Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don’t wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.

* Older women know what Kegel exercises are.

* An older woman will agree to go to McDonald’s with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.

* Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.

* Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can’t get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.

* An older woman has lots of girlfriends and most of them will want to boff you too.

* An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.

* An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

You Know You’re Getting Old When…

>1. You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear “snap, crackle, pop” and you’re not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. When you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.

6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

8. When happy hour is a nap.

9. When you’re on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..

10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.

11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired

15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

17. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

19. Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.

20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

21. It takes twice as long – to look half as good.

22. Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt – doesn’t work.

23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

24. You sink your teeth into a steak – and they stay there.

25. You give up all your bad habits and still don’t feel good.

26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don’t care anymore.

27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.

It happens to the best of us….